A Half Baked Thought on Bad Habits and the Fear of Being Alone

I’m not sure where it stems from, but I have a crippling sense of anxiety when it comes to being alone. When I was younger I used to be content with it and would spend hours in solitary fascination with my imagination, but as I grew older and started to develop demons, I became less easily distracted. Sometime during my time in high school loneliness began to gnaw away at me, and the thought of sitting in a room by myself became unbearable. Things only worsened when suicidal thoughts started to take hold in my early twenties. During that period of my life I sought solace in alcohol. I would drink cups and cups of straight vodka almost every night and surrounded myself with people that enabled my lack of impulse control. I enjoyed the instant gratification, but it didn’t solve my issue. I was desperate to escape reality and simultaneously hoping someone would ground me back in it. I became completely out of control in every facet of my life. I was angry, obsessive, mentally destitute. It took a lot of therapy and experimentation with medication to get my bipolar disorder in check, but even now at twenty five years old I feel like I’m clinging by only a handful of hairs to any sense of stability. I’m still worried I’ll push people away. I’m still searching for some poor habit to save me.

In fact, I’ve recently developed a creeping urge to smoke, something about the act seems deeply appealing to me. I’ve tried nicotine products other than cigarettes but never felt much of an effect or a need to consume nicotine specifically again. I’ve had a similar disinterest with marijuana as well, despite finding it pleasurable and having recently smoked it. However, something about holding a cigarette or joint has begun to appeal to my tactile sensibilities, and to be honest there’s this idea of relaxation and coolness that’s been propagated to me by the media, even within the content of smaller creators. For example I’ve recently started watching a book reviewer and often in his videos he’s smoking a joint. Another example would be a woman whose channel appears to be dedicated to content about smoking. Perhaps it’s not the act of smoking itself but the calm and confidence these people portray in their videos. A sense of being at peace with oneself that I desperately yearn for. I have no way to know if they are themselves reliant on the act of smoking to achieve this perceived sense of serenity or if they are portraying anything close to who they are in their day to day lives, but I can’t help but feel jealous and eager to figure out what it takes for myself. Who knows, maybe a smoke here and there won’t hurt, but I’ve already crossed that line with alcohol. Surely, the answer is already staring me in the face. My spouse, my friends, my writing, maybe just a good book will do it. I just need to reel in and find peace and gratitude, even if it’s delayed.